Out there

The problem with putting myself out there…

If you don't engage, if that view count sits unmoving…

Even though there's every possibility you just haven't had a chance yet. That maybe you saw it and mentally flagged it to watch when you had more time, maybe time to yourself where you don't worry about having to explain why you've taken interest… From the outside, you have seemed very busy.

Or maybe it just somehow hasn't come across your timeline yet. You have so many friends and likes.

Even so…

It still hurts.

It still makes me question… everything. Everything I've come to believe in the past year or two. Brings back the fears and doubts. Makes me think I'm insane for having thought you were specifically trying to make sure that I could make it to your get-together next month.

I'm not. You were. It was so, so clear.

I should be armed, by now, with enough understanding of the situation to combat the pain, to fight down those doubts. Should be. And yet, here I am on the verge of tears, wondering if I should ever even do it again. Because even if in the end you do enjoy it, even if it eventually hits home the way your videos always do to me… I just don't know how wise it is to put myself through this, ever again.

I'm sorry my love. I'm sorry that I'm still so weak, so easily shaken. It isn't fair to you for me to react this way. I just love you so much.

And I want you to notice…